Let It Be

I was asked to return her stuff which is ok with me. So i need to go back, collect the stuff and pass it to another 'ex-colleague'. So tonite will be a busy night. Since i'm giving all the stuff back, i might as well, give her back the toiletries, the bracelet and the watch. No point of keeping them. It doens't matter anymore.

When i received the email today, i asked her whether she's still angry with me? And her reply, she thought it was funny why i asked her this questions. She said that she can't forgive me coz i screwed up her life. Well i wasn't really surprised there. But just like i said to her so many times, i really don't have any intention to take her credits. I just want to help her finish it. But i guess my execution was wrong. I did admit it... it really make her look bad in a way. I swear it wasn't intentional.

Anyway to cut the crap short, i once again, will defend my stand coz i'm not those people that will do these kind of stuff. I don't really give a shit about those credit and stuff. I knew she won't listen what i have to say.. So fuck it ler.... It won't make a difference now. We already can't be together... Let it be

Christmas Eve

Today is definitely not a good working day. Everybody in the office are taking leaves, and i'm still fucking here stuck with the motherfucking Buyer's Guide. Bad Day!!!!! Don't feel like working...

Btw, i got from surprised gift from Joy. Not bad... not bad. It was guitar-shaped keychain. Cool stuff. And plus some cookies too.

Gotta go home and prepare the steamboat stuff later. We are having a steamboat dinner later tonite. A few friends will join us. Thank God that a friend didn't come. Having some ill feeling for that person now....

Drinking session @ McD

I was doing some stuff in the office. Got a call from Chyn... So went out for a drink with Chyn, Sook Kwan, and her sisters (???) Not sure about one girl, whether she's her sister or some relative. Hmmm...

And there is something that made me feel uncomfortable? That's when people starting to asked me about her... I always felt like telling them but... arghhh... it's hard. Damn it. And just now.. Sook Kwan was asking me about her..... I think one of these days, i will let it out.. And don't wanna keep it a secret anymore... It's so HARD!!!!!!!

Today in the life 21st Dec

Went out for a super lunch session. I had never eaten so much since i got my test result a few month ago. Not only it was 'superior' in quantity, it was also 'rich' with fats, sugar, salt etc.... So for my dinner.. i think i'll skip this one. I never felt 'so guilty' eating before. Compared to last time, i think i'm better now. At least i tried not to eat like a fucking hungry mad dog.

So after lunch.. went back to the office. Rushing out the bloody Just U magazine. And got fucked up by the boss and the other designer in Singapore. Opppss.... Anyway getting fucked these days felt a lot better compared to last time, especially during 'Ice Cube' days.

Soon after that it was gift exchange time. Early this morning, me and William with the help of HinHwee were preparing some 'surprise gift box' for Joy. It was fun actually, playing pranks. Thank God that Joy was not that angry. Sorry..... This is what we do. William was supposed to give her a shopping voucher, and me, with my wicked mind, planned something for her... We actually took an empty box, stuffed quite a lot of newspaper inside it, and hide the voucher at the bottom (under the flip). So Joy took so damn long to find it. She thought we didn't put the voucher in. We assured her that it was in there. It was happy moment actually (for me).

Thank God I'm feeling better these days. I would still be thinking of her sometimes. But after the incident, i really felt there's no point for me think of her anymore. Actually I'm really thankful that the chirpy new designer girl was were. At least she can cheer up the atmosphere sometimes, and i got someone to talk to and joke with. And i got this feeling that someone were thinking that 'we' got something happening behind their back... Hhmmmmm

Arghh... i don't really give a fuck anymore. I don't really cared what they think of me now. I'm just trying to help her out in the design part and at the same time get to know her better. What's wrong with that??? Hahaha...

It's time to forget

It's been more than 2 months. And I found hard not to think of her especially when I'm alone. About a month ago, i received an email from her, a reminder; that 'our' colleague's birthday is near. I did replied (even though i was reluctant at first). But I sounded so cold. I'm still upset with the incident. I'm angry, sad, depressed...... and the worst of all I can't hide it. It really shows it in my face.

It's not that easy to forget someone just like that *snap*.. I initially thought I can get over it within a month. It's not like a scene from a movie, till this day, the image of her still stucked in my memory.

And the other, I sent an email to her. Asking about her life nowadays. But I was so fucking dumb that I mentioned I managed to get a raise (as a counter-offer) from my boss when I submitted my resignation letter. I sounded that I'm really proud of my s0-called achievement.

I had forgotten that she hated the boss to the guts. So there goes my only chance of catching up with her. Although we can't be lovers but at least we can still be friends. But i blew it away, BIG TIME. I really don't know why she is still bloody angry with me? I know as a person, i lacked ambition... But I'm not a bad person.

I got to know that one of the main reasons of our break-up is that I wasn't really thinking of the OUR future. She's fast approaching 28, and wanted to get married and stuff. And she said that she can't see our future together. Which I had to admit, it was true. I wasn't really thinking of US together, i lacked ambition and chose to remain at my present company. It is not that I wanted to feel 'secure' and refuse to leave my comfort zone. I was just thinking that new year will be near soon, and my parents would really need some money. And with the current appraisal, i can at least 'contribute' to the family... If I were to leave, with the pay of 2K, it will be hard, considering i need to pay my rental and stuff... I know most of them won't understand my present situation. All she saw is that i refuses to leave my comfort zone. I can't just quit my job here. I need to support myself here, and my parent are not living in KL. Where the hell I'm supposed to stay if i quit? And not yet got a job?

But since she didn't reply my email and message the other day.... i knew i had to stop thinking of her. It's all history NOW. No point making myself miserable anymore. It's time to be my own self again minus some of the bad traits of the old me.

Well, that's life..... It's time to pick up myself again.